DISCERNMENT COUNSELING

Online discernment counseling with our licensed and expertly trained therapists.

You don’t have to make this decision alone.

Couples and marriages often come to a place where they must ask the dreaded difficult questions, “Should we remain together, or should we separate?” In any context of a relationship, this question is very difficult to navigate alone. Do you or your partner constantly wonder whether you should remain together? Is there a voice in your head questioning the future of your relationship or marriage? Maybe only one of you is all in on the relationship and the other is feeling unsure.

Sometimes our ability to effectively make a decision for our future takes outside expert support. Especially, with a decision that can be life-altering for yourself and potentially other loved ones. This is where discernment counseling can be very effective.

What is Discernment Counseling?

Discernment counseling is a therapeutic approach developed by Dr. Bill Doherty to help couples on the brink of divorce gain clarity about the direction of their relationship or marriage. Unlike traditional couples therapy, which aims to improve the relationship, discernment counseling helps couples determine whether they should try to restore their relationship to health, move towards separation or divorce, or continue the status quo.

The process is generally short-term and structured, usually involving a maximum of five counseling sessions with our licensed marriage and family therapists. The primary focus is to understand what has happened to the relationship and to see if it is possible and mutually desired to repair it. Discernment counseling respects the possibility that one partner may lean towards working on the marriage, while the other may lean towards ending it.

During the sessions, our licensed therapists work with each partner to explore their contributions to the problems and the possibilities of solving them. It's a process of reflection and decision-making that differs from the more common approach of marital therapy intended for couples who have already decided to work on their relationship.

Dr. Doherty emphasizes that the goal of discernment counseling is not to solve marital problems but to see if they are potentially solvable. This form of counseling is particularly geared towards couples where one partner is "leaning out" of the relationship and uncertain about whether they want to continue the marriage, while the other partner is "leaning in" and hopeful about rebuilding the relationship.

Myths About Discernment Counseling:

There are many myths and misconceptions about discernment counseling. Despite the growing use of online discernment counseling, there are still many misunderstandings about the process of this effective therapy.

It’s just regular couples therapy

Myth: Discernment counseling is the same as traditional couples therapy.

Reality: Discernment counseling is specifically for couples who are uncertain whether they want to work on their marriage. It is a short-term intervention, usually between 1 to 5 sessions, designed to help couples decide whether to try to restore their marriage, move towards divorce, or take a time out and decide later.

It will save the marriage

Myth: The goal of discernment counseling is to save the marriage at all costs.

Reality: The goal is to help couples gain clarity about the direction of their relationship, not necessarily to preserve the marriage. It respects the possibility that divorce might be the best path forward for some couples.

Both partners must be committed to saving the marriage

Myth: Discernment counseling requires both partners to commit to saving the marriage.

Reality: Discernment counseling can be particularly helpful when one spouse is leaning towards divorce (often referred to as the "leaning-out" partner) and the other wants to save the marriage (the "leaning-in" partner)

It’s a long process

Myth: Discernment counseling is a lengthy and time-consuming process.

Reality: It is a short-term process, designed to come to a resolution within a relatively short period.

It’s biased towards reconciliation

Myth: The process is biased towards encouraging couples to stay together.

Reality: It's designed to be neutral, helping partners explore all options and come to a decision that is true to their values and needs.

It involves detailed relationship work

Myth: The process involves working through all the couple's issues in depth.

Reality: The counseling sessions are more about understanding the dynamics of the relationship and each person's contributions rather than resolving all specific issues between the couple.

Understanding these myths is important for couples to approach discernment counseling with realistic expectations and a clear understanding of the process's purpose and benefits.

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How Discernment Counseling Can Help

Discernment counseling can be helpful in various ways for couples who are contemplating divorce but are not entirely sure it's the right path for them. Here are some key aspects in which discernment counseling with our discernment counselors can support you:

Clarity and Confidence in Decision-Making

It provides a structured environment where couples can explore the complexities of their relationship and make a decision about staying together or separating with greater clarity and confidence.

Understanding Relationship Dynamic

Couples gain a better understanding of what has happened to their relationship and each partner's role in the marital problems, which can be enlightening and facilitate a more amicable resolution, whether they stay together or part ways.

Exploring Possibilities of Reconciliation

For those who are undecided, discernment counseling helps explore the potential for reconciliation and what it might look like, including the possibility of engaging in full-scale couples therapy.

Respecting Individual Perspectives

It honors both partners' perspectives, giving space to the "leaning-out" partner's doubts and the "leaning-in" partner's desire to repair the relationship.

Managing Mixed Agendas

Discernment counseling is designed to deal with mixed agendas where one partner wants to save the marriage and the other is considering ending it.

Preventing Impulsive Decisions

The process can prevent rash decisions by allowing the ambivalent partner time to reflect. This pause can prevent future regret that might come from making a hasty decision.

Pathway to Couples Therapy

If the couple decides to work on their marriage, discernment counseling can lay the groundwork for more effective couples therapy and marriage counseling by setting clear intentions and goals.

Guidance on Separation

If the decision is to divorce, discernment counseling can help couples do so in a way that is least damaging to each other, their children, and other loved ones.

Emotional Support

It offers emotional support to both individuals during a highly stressful and emotional period, helping them navigate their feelings and concerns in a safe and compassionate setting.

Personal Growth

Partners can experience personal growth by gaining insights into their relationship patterns, which can be beneficial for future relationships, whether they remain together or separate.

Couples who seek discernment counseling find it helpful because it is tailored to couples stuck in indecision, offering a deliberate and reflective process to consider all aspects of the decision to stay together or separate.

We’ve Made a Decision to Separate, Now What?

As discernment counselors, our job is not to tell you whether or not you should separate. The goal of our licensed therapists is to support you and your partner in coming to a decision that is right for you and your future. Sometimes, the decision that is best for our couples is to separate or divorce. The process of divorce or separation can be very painful and complex. Our therapists will support you in creating a plan that works best for you and your situation. Sometimes this looks like supporting the couple in grieving and emotionally disconnecting from the relationship. In many cases, this may look like participating in individual therapy.

In the case of having children, this may look like co-parenting counseling. Co-parenting counseling has been shown to reduce the harmful experiences that may come with separation for children. There can be a future where you and your spouse communicate effectively and successfully co-parent for the long-term benefit of your children.

In the process of our discernment counseling services, you and your partner may have concluded that divorce or separation is the best decision, but you don’t have to go through this alone. Our expert family therapists will support you in creating a plan that works best for you.

We’ve Decided to Stay Together, What’s Next?

At the conclusion of the discernment counseling process, you and your partner have decided to remain together. You and your therapists will create a plan to support you and your partner in having a successful relationship. We will not leave you abandoned without tools for success, however, the work for a thriving relationship is just beginning. Our licensed therapist may transition the treatment into couples counseling. In some cases, it may be beneficial for each of you to begin individual therapy post-discernment counseling services. We want to set you up for success to have a relationship that is not only surviving but thriving.

You don’t have to go through this alone. Our team of licensed therapists is here to support you in navigating this process smoothly and effectively. If you’re interested in scheduling a session with one of our expert couples therapists, please contact us and our admin team will support you today.

faqs

Common questions about Online Discernment Counseling

Yes! discernment counseling for couples online can be just as effective as in-person therapy. The convenience of virtual couples therapy supports our couples in outcomes they would not have otherwise had.
Our California license restricts us to only providing online gottman couples therapy to residents of California.
Contact us and we will support you with scheduling your online discernment counseling session today.