What an A-P-O-L-O-G-Y Means for Your Relationship

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Jul 14

JD and Jillian have been married for almost five years. JD works long hours as a Correctional Officer, while Jillian works in Human Resources as a freelance generalist. Lately, Jillian has been feeling upset about how much JD is working and wonders if JD is pulling away from her as he works more-and-more overtime hours in the prison and lets her raise their three children and care for their home while working at home. For the last month Jillian and his mother have been planning a birthday surprise dinner for JD. He is turning 35 and Jillian does not want this year to go unnoticed. She and his mom planned everything. They made reservations three weeks ago at his favorite steakhouse. They invited their friends and family two weeks ago. They confirmed the number of people who plan to attend almost one week ago. They bought decorations for the tables the guests would be sitting at; favors for the guests to bring home; they even ordered JD’s favorite cake – Red Velvet, of course. And, well Jillian, even chose and laundered the clothes that she and their children would be wearing; you know, their two girls (including her) in pale yellow dresses – his favorite color – and their son in tan shorts with a button-down yellow shirt. “He’s gonna love it,” Jillian thought. She was expecting things to go perfectly.

Jillian (rushing around feeding the baby as JD is trying to leave for work):

“Please don’t forget that your mom has invited us to go to dinner tonight for your birthday.”

JD (sighing as he pours himself a mug of the coffee Jillian already prepared for them):

“I know; I know. She always has to be so extra. I swear it’s like she doesn’t respect how much I’ve been working lately. You’d think that she would just let me have my birthday off from being told what to do.”

Jillian (touching his shoulder):

“I love you; she loves you. It’s your birthday.”

JD (defensive):

“I just need a little break.”

Jillian:

“I promise we’ll have one.”

JD (lovingly):

“You always know what to say.”

Later that day, Jillian sent what she thought was a well-crafted reminder for JD; however, JD was busy at work and he chose not to respond. Since JD had not responded, Jillian decided to send another email. At this point JD became upset with Jillian and decided to give her a call.

JD (upset calls home):

“Why do you keep emailing me? I already told you that I would go to my mom’s stupid dinner. Just leave me alone while I’m at work. I don’t need the extra stress when I’m already somewhere stressful.”

Jilllian (tearfully):

“I just feel like you often lose track of time when you’re at work. I didn’t want you to forget.”

JD (upset):

“I’m not as forgetful as you think. Do you think I forget to pay the bills? The private elementary school our son goes to? The expensive mortgage? Or even how your recent gripe is that you want to take the kids to Disneyland? I’ll remember dinner too.”

Jillian (still tearfully):

“I know we have a lot on our plate.”

JD (defensive):

“That’s not fair. I’m doing all of this for us. So, our family can afford the life we talked about.”

Jillian:

“But you’re never in the life we talked about. You’re always at work. I feel like the only time I get any time with you is while you're pouring from the pot of coffee I make each morning.”

JD:

“Isn’t that rich? I feel like the only time you’re not asking for something is when I’m at work or asleep.”

Jillian (quietly):

“That’s not fair. We rarely have time to talk.”

JD (solemnly)

“OK. Let’s try to make time this weekend; just you and me.”

Jillian:

“Ok. Let’s try.”

With that JD rushed off the phone, promising to meet Jillian, the kids, and his mom at the steakhouse at 6:30PM. When JD arrived at his surprise birthday party (you know, the one that Jillian and his mom had been planning over the last month), he was so happy, which was visibly seen by JD grinning from ear-to-ear and laughing with all of the party guests. Still, Jillian was having a difficult time feeling connected with JD. She struggled to feel happy around him and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t shake the conversation from earlier that afternoon.

Why do Our Ears Need an Apology?

The truth is that this happens to all of us from time-to-time. We mean well; it just doesn’t come out that way. This type of argument is one that is not only emotionally charged but also one that is grounded in love, not malice. We made a mistake, did something “wrong”, and don’t want to apologize. We drag our feet knowing that we should but don’t feel the need to do so. We question: are we the one that’s wrong? If they didn’t do this, would we really be this upset? Would we have said the “wrong” thing if they hadn’t said what they said or did what they did?

It’s not easy to apologize for a trillion reasons but did you know that if you want things to change for the better, it is often best if we apologize … to just say the thing we know we should say so that we can end the quarrel and not divide the relationship. The simple truth is that we need our partners to say “I’m sorry” when they mess up because it validates our pain and reaffirms that we have intimacy, trust and emotional safety within our relationship. Still, the apology matters to us for certain reasons:

It validates the experience that we had.

I tell my clients, both individual ones and couples, that the two most important things we can offer ourselves is Safety and Control. Safety refers to emotional, physical, and mental safety; whereas, Control is more like accountability, acceptability, attunement. For after all, to have control does not have to mean to be controlling; those are two separate things. When our partner apologizes, they offer us validation surrounding the idea that the experience did happen and has affected us. This validation promotes closeness because it reminds us that not only are our emotions real but that our experience is worthy of acknowledgement. That seemingly simple act of validation pushes us to feel emotionally safe, physically safe, personally attuned, and as though our partner is accepting of our experiences. Imagine telling your partner that you feel like the vibe between you and them has been off and they, without skipping a beat, say: “Yes, I can see how you’ve been feeling that way. You’re not crazy or overreacting; I want to make this better too.” That’s what validation does for our relationship – offers assurance that we are both still involved and desiring the relationship.

It allows our partner to take responsibility for how they treated us thus building trust.

A sincere apology shows that our partner is taking responsibility for their individual action and that they are not condoning their poor behavior. It shows that they are able to provide insight into why things can be -or- have felt off. There is certainly an err of vulnerability with saying the words “I’m sorry”. Vulnerability coming from the idea that if we tell our partner that we are sorry, they may not be able to move on from the moment thus rejecting us later. Kirsten Wier wrote in the American Psychological Association, page 50, that “as far as the brain is concerned, a broken heart may not be so different from a broken arm.” Weir, in fact, elaborates that social rejection also increases feelings of “anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy and sadness. It reduces performance on difficult intellectual tasks, and can also contribute to aggression and poor impulse control.” Therefore, if saying “I’m sorry” stirs up feelings of rejection in the person that is doing the apologizing, it may be easy to imagine that it also sends out the message of responsibility in ourselves, which these two things (when occurring at the same time, can work together to build trust in the relationship). Trust for the sender (i.e. the one apologizing) because their partner is trying to move on from the disparity. Trust for the receiver (i.e. the one being apologized to) because their partner is able to work on the relationship in a healthy manner and together as we acknowledge the hurt and work to build further emotional safety (i.e. with the trust).

It reassures us that we and our relationship matters to our partner.

Wier points out that our relationship wounds are similar to that of our physical wounds. Therefore, I’m sure it’s easy to imagine that we need T-L-C not only for our physical wounds but our emotional wounds as well. (Hold on, I’ll tell you how to do that in a moment!) We provide T-L-C to our emotional wounds, following an apology, by working to acknowledge our feelings and communicating with our partner in regards to our needs following the apology. I’m sure we have all heard the saying that “Communication is key!” Still, communication allows us to feel heard and understood, resets our sense of balance, and allows us to address that hurt that has been caused for an apology to even be warranted. Communication offers reassurance that we matter and that our partner realizes what happened thereby limiting the chance of it happening again.

Why is it Hard for Our Partner to Apologize?

Saying the words “I’m sorry” is not always easy. Sure, it is only two words; seven letters, and three syllables. Still, these two words, when put together, often become difficult because they touch on the thing we are trying to preserve the most – ourselves. The phrase “I’m sorry” can open us up to the feeling of being flawed, rejected, vulnerable, “wrong”, and misunderstood. Let’s look at those emotions a little more thoroughly:

FLAWED: the act of “apologizing” is just that – a verb; something we must do; however, apologizing often feels like we are admitting that we are “the bad guy”. We can’t wear the hat of perfection and the hat of flawed at the same time; therefore, we our brains can truly view this as us being the one in the wrong; the flawed one; the careless one. I tell my clients all the time that our brains are so comfortable with seeing ourselves through the lens of “yuck” that we often just easily accept the negative thoughts that come into our brains. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, otherwise known as CBT, we are often taught about schemas.
A schema is the way that we see ourselves and often come from childhood experiences that affect the way we see ourselves, the people we love the most, and the rest of the world. So, an apology isn’t just seen as us taking ownership but rather can lead us to feel like the thought that has ran though our head for years, you know the one that screams out why we don’t really like ourselves, is there and other people know we are flawed. It’s like asking: “If I say I’m wrong, does that mean that I’m not good enough? Like I’m not good enough at loving my partner?”
WRONG: The need to be “right” often results in the trap of perfection. Trust me, I get it. Who doesn’t want to be right? I remember growing up in a family where apologizing was seen as a weakness and if you dared apologize, they never let you live whatever was going on down. Can anyone tell me when their parents had time to teach them how to apologize and to truly mean it? I mean it was a pretty different time back then. Yet, it’s not like we can just look at our partners now and say: “I was never taught how to say sorry and mean it so you aren’t just gonna get that from me.” Or maybe it’s the idea that we are just simply too afraid to say the words because maybe we know there’s something else lurking in the background that we, ourselves, are not willing to confront, such as: we don’t want to have to come home earlier from work, we’re afraid we are just not able to provide our partners with the life we promised prior to our commitments, or maybe there’s just some form of resentment that we are truly afraid to confront. Wow, I mean, that sounds so overwhelming. It’s like asking: “What if this isn’t just about this fight, but rather the bigger thing we’ve both been trying so hard to avoid?”
MISUNDERSTOOD: Another feeling that can certainly come up when we are dreading having to apologize is the idea of being misunderstood by our partner. Sometimes, even when we’re the one in the “wrong”, we can feel hurt and misunderstood. The truth is that navigating a relationship with anyone is hard, let alone someone we want to spend our most intimate time with. In order to keep our relationships fresh, we often work to build our core concepts in patience, loving, kindness, empathy, and understanding. When there is a mis-understanding, we find that this misunderstanding is often due to someone assuming something without proof. I often tell my clients that in order to make “true change,” the person not only has to want the change but they have to notice when the change needs to happen. So, if you were one of my clients and felt like you wanted to understand your partner more thoroughly, I would ask you to understand when you feel you aren’t understanding your partner and work to notice what you can do instead. It’s like asking: “Why should I apologize for how I acted when they acted poorly too?” Well, let me answer this one … because you want something to change.

What Defines a Positive Apology?

Think back to the scenario of JD and Jillian. Ask yourself what caused it? How do you think JD handled the situation? How would you handle it? How would you let your wife, husband, partner, parent know you upset them? Would you let them see that you were upset too? Did you know that there is a “good” apology and a “bad” apology? I’m sure we’ve all been apologized to a few times in our life where we walk away more confused after the apology than before. Maybe we’re confused why the person wants to justify how they treated us. Or maybe the person says a lot of “but” this happened in their apology, leaving little room for us to feel our feelings and understand the reason for our hurt and upset in the first place. Remember this…If an apology is about them, it’s not a good apology. If an apology is about us and what the person will do to fix the problem, it’s a pretty good apology. Lissy Abrahams from lissyabrams.com wrote in her March 14, 2024 blog “Understanding how to offer a successful apology not only helps mend relationships but also strengthens connections and promotes empathy. Taking responsibility when we wrong a person is a hallmark of emotional maturity.” So, how do we do this exactly?

A- Agree and Admit to the Facts of the Situation

P- Practice your Mindfulness Cues and Focus on you and NOT on your partner

O- Offer Reparation that fits the situation. Ask yourself: what have I learned from this?

L- Limit Blame; it doesn’t matter who did what. It’s you two against the situation.

O- Open-Up to your partner and use this time to tell your partner how you feel.

G- Give Compliments! Remind your partner that you are thankful that they are a part of your life.

Y- Yield Empathy! Let your partner know you messed up and that you want to fix the issue.

Let’s put this to practice… So, for the example of JD and Jillian, it is easy to see that Jillian is having a hard time engaging with her husband at the surprise party she decided to throw him for his 35th birthday. If JD were to follow the steps to this he would say something like: “I messed up. I know you were just trying to make sure I didn’t miss the party. I am so thankful for you and all the hard work you and my mom put into throwing me the surprise party. I promise to speak more calmly with you in the future. I guess you’re right and we do have a lot on our plates right now. I bet that’s why you’ve been asking me to find some time for us to take our kids to Disneyland. I bet it’s because you feel our disconnection too. You’re really good at knowing what our family needs. Tomorrow, when I’m at work, I promise I will find some time for us to take a small trip but maybe it could be for just the two of us?!”

What do WE do after the Apology?

Before my mom passed away, my dad would draw my mother a picture of a flower every single Sunday. Some weeks were chrysanthemums; some were lilies; other weeks were sunflowers, tulips, or roses; other weeks were even orchids. You name it and my very artistic father would draw the flower for my mom in generous detail. This started when I was a small child and continued into my adulthood. When I was older, I asked my father why every Sunday he would draw her a flower. His response was always the same: “Because there’s no way I haven’t messed up this week and since she is allergic to flowers, I draw her the things that I wish I could give her the most.” What a beautiful gesture. His simple, yet artistic expression, was a gesture from him to my mother that he recognized how much, even if he didn’t know what it was, he had to have made a mistake of some sort. Sure, the act of giving flowers for an error or mistake you have caused in your relationship is certainly one approach to handling the “follow-up” after an apology; however, research by Keith Sanford at Baylor University has shown that what couples desire following an apology (even more than flowers) is:

for the partner to show the need for more investment in them;
for them to dedicate more time to the relationship; and
for them to communicate more and have their partner commit to more communication.

Let’s say that the apology that was offered for JD in the previous example is exactly what he said. JD would need to have some follow-up following his apology. Now we can’t all be like my father and draw Jillian gorgeous images of a certain kind of flower each time we make a mistake, especially if it’s weekly. Still, JD did make mention that he would love to have some one-on-one time between Jillian and himself. Therefore, the follow-up to the apology would be that he actually goes to work the next day, checks his schedule, emails (or calls) her to tell her some options for him to get time off for them to go on a trip together, and for JD to work with Jillian on communicating expectations they each would have for that trip. I am a strange person as anyone who knows me can attest to this. Still, for me, the art of going on a trip is in the planning of the trip. With that said, it is not important that JD and Jillian run off to the trip, as for me, it would be more fun to spend time with my partner planning the trip.

The Gottman Institute instills the importance of the follow-up after an argument. In his article, “The Art of the Mindful Apology,” he explains that “...while ‘I’m sorry’ is a good start, I argue that it is not enough.” Gottman reports that there are three things that everyone, no matter the relationship, must do when attempting to apologize. These three things include: (1) Apologize, (2) Forgive, and (3) Begin Again. Gottman offers the example of spilling a glass of lemonade all over the table and thoroughly splashing your partner with some of the lemonade. He posits the idea that even when you say, “I’m sorry”, that you are not done. He believes that after the apology part, we must work to forgive and then to begin again. With Gottman’s example of the lemonade, you can see that the act of apologizing for the spilled lemonade did not clean up the lemonade on its own. You had to, forgive (the act of cleaning up the lemonade after you spilled it – you know get the towel, dab it off the tablecloth, and then remove the things from the dinner table to launder the tablecloth) before you could move on and start the dinner process all over again. Now, what if this three step Mindful-Apology process were to be used with the example of JD, Jillian, and the Dinner Party? How would it work?

APOLOGIZE: JD, as the offender, would offer his apology. If I were John Gottman, which full disclosure I AM NOT, I would suggest that JD tells Jillian something like: “I hurt your feelings and I’m sorry for being mean when you emailed earlier. I promise to do better at expressing my stress in the future.”
FORGIVE: As JD was the offender, it is now Jillian’s responsibility to forgive as the receiver. Using Gottman’s three-step Mindfulness Apology process, Jillian would now thank JD for his apology, Acknowledge what JD is owning up to, and Accept the apology that JD is giving. The forgiveness from Jillian would be something like: “Thank you for noticing that you were harsh. I appreciate you owning up to your crummy behavior on the phone earlier. I forgive you. I hope you know how much I love and appreciate you.” Another example would be one that is shorter but not always simpler: “Thank you. I appreciate you noticing how you acted when you were stressed. I know you’re under a lot of stress. I think we both need to express our stress better.”
BEGIN AGAIN: Buddha once said: “No matter how hard the past is, you can always begin again.” The same can be said for this part of Gottman’s three-step mindfulness apology process. Whether our partner messes up big-or-small, we can clear our perpetual table (you know, the one we just spilled lemonade all over) and begin again. You can share a hug, have a tender kiss, kick your partner in the leg, or do whatever you and your partner agree to do. Gottman even theorizes that “you might want to create a ‘begin again’ ritual with your partner.” It’s something that you and your partner agree to do after an argument, mishap, inconvenience, or whatever and should be done every time you and your partner have to follow the Mindfulness Apology process.

Sure, there are times when saying the words “I’m sorry” is not just going to fix things between you and your partner. For those of us whose relationship needs a little more time and effort to repair than the time it takes to say “I’m sorry”, the therapists at California Couples Counseling are here to help! Please reach out to California Couples Counseling at (415) 430-9487 today!

Resources:

Abrams, Lissy. (March 14, 2024). “How to Apologize to Your Partner: Why It's More Than Saying Sorry.” Retrieved at: https://www.lissyabrahams.com/blog/how-to-apologize

Sanford, K., & *Wolfe, K. L. (2013). What married couples want from each other during conflicts: An investigation of underlying concerns. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 32, p. 674-699.

Weir, Kirsten. (April 12, 2012). “The Pain of Social Rejection.” Retrieved at: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection