Four Steps to Turn Lust into a Lifelong Relationship
The other day, I was talking to my dad about when he first started dating my mom. (They were married for almost 50 years.) He explained that in the beginning, they were inseparable, constantly showing affection in public. He said that they would kiss every moment and explained that they would have prolonged goodbyes where even their little brothers would tell them to "get a room." He explained that while they eventually got married, they were convinced that their passion would never fade, unlike what they knew to be true and observed in other couples. However, he explained that as time went on, things did cool off in his relationship with my mom. He explained that while their love and affection remained, the intense public displays faded and their long, leisurely mornings in bed were replaced with early trips to the store to buy formula and them each going to work. He said that he began to worry about what this shift meant for their relationship and worried that they had nothing in common anymore, especially since they were fully capable of keeping their hands off of one another. He feared that with divorce rates being high and sexual difficulties often cited as a reason for unhappiness, they would be just another statistic. He told me that no matter what, he committed and re-committed to her and tried his very hardest. This is what made me wonder…. What does it take for a relationship to turn lust into a life long relationship?
Relationships are works in progress, and it's essential for partners to continue nurturing their connection long after they've settled down. But what happens when your relationship is new and you two find yourselves struggling to turn your lust for one another into a more mature relationship filled with love, communication, and positive choices? This is where routines come in. Establishing routines helps us navigate daily life efficiently – hey, I get it, it's equally important to cultivate "the spice of life" but what if our relationship is stalled in the lust stage and we find ourselves wanting more? What if we find ourselves getting caught up in daily obligations, especially when balancing the needs of children, parents, or siblings, and forget to carve out dedicated, intimate time for our partners and find the lust for our partner is far outweighing the love we have for our partner? It's essential to continually find ways to create the spark, sure, but, on the other hand, it's also important to create a loving relationship and push for the “love” we can have with our partner. So, what if we are trying to form a relationship that’s built on love and not on lust? What if we are looking to progress our relationship to the next level? Here are four full-proof ways to turn the lust in our relationships to something more:
STEP #1 – UNDERSTAND WHAT LUST IS
Do you remember when you first met your partner and couldn't keep your hands off them? When looking into their eyes meant far more than a simple gaze? This intense initial feeling is often lust. Lust is characterized by strong sexual attraction, heightened hormones, and the excitement of newness. It feels like an undeniable magnetic pull, a craving for closeness and sweetness, and a complete absorption in the feeling you get when you're around them—perhaps not yet in the person themselves. This is understandable; scientists suggest it can take up to eight months to truly get to know a new romantic partner. To understand if we are in the lust stage versus the love stage, it's essential to recognize the distinctions.
Signs of Lust
You are primarily driven by sexual or physical attraction rather than appreciation for the person.
You trust them at face value and may overlook red flags.
Your conversations tend to remain superficial, despite efforts to deepen them.
You crave intensity over intimacy and are comfortable with emotional ups and downs.
Your connection feels stronger in the bedroom than in everyday life.
When you and your partner are together, you're constantly touching, kissing, and caressing. However, when you're apart, communication is minimal, and you know very little about each other beyond your shared physical moments.
Signs of Love
You genuinely care about their past, future, and current experiences.
You desire to set goals and dream about a life you can build together.
You enjoy spending time together even when it doesn't lead to sex.
You care deeply about their well-being, wanting them to feel happy and safe.
You navigate life's challenges as a team, rather than working against each other.
In a loving relationship, there's often strong chemistry, but you also spend significant time talking, planning your future, and learning about each other's past. You can enjoy quiet moments together, feel comfortable in public, and cherish intimate times. When you're apart, you often think of them and notice things you believe they would appreciate. For instance, you go to the store and remember that they have an upcoming meeting they are nervous about… you go grab them a new tie as a way to put them at ease and show that you are invested in their upcoming meeting as well.
STEP #2 – GET SLOW, CURIOUS, AND EMOTIONAL
Instead of always rushing to find exciting activities with your partner, it's also important to plan calm events where you can simply talk, learn about each other, and understand what's on their mind. This could be a chance to discuss if they are having a hard time in school, feel overwhelmed by a family member being sick, or have an important meeting coming up. When a relationship is new, it's especially crucial to slow down and savor the moments. Consider planning a relaxed walk in the park, holding hands as you head to the market for dinner supplies, or even sharing a kiss under the mistletoe as the holidays approach. No matter what you do, take time for the small things. Relationships do not always have to bring joy, mesmerizing moments and fun-filled activities. Wasn’t it Eminem who said “love is just a word, you bring its definition”? Bringing definition to love is what a relationship is all about. So, plan that shopping spree; take that drive; slow down and literally smell the roses ... but whatever you do, make sure to spend quality time together, talking about your hopes for the future, planning goals both individually and together, and learning about each other's fears. Conversations like these are what keep a relationship strong; not the fancy dinners and plane rides to Manilla (I mean, we can all dream). Relationships are all about two people building emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy builds vulnerability and vulnerability takes trust and trust equates to time spent in a relationship. I’m sure you get the picture!
Brene Brown says in her book “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” When I think about relationships, I often think about my parent’s relationship. They were married for one week less than 50 years. Do you think every moment was easy? Every move they had made sense? Every communication was one with grace and no yelling? Relationships, to me, mean everything. You give as much as you receive and you plan the path that the two of you will go on together, with both people understanding. I wanted to share a thought about emotional intimacy and relationships – my belief is that long-lasting relationships are built on a foundation of strength, warmth, and care… and only from there, true relationships can form. Why do they form? Well, for me, because both partners have the assurance that their partner will always be there for them, offering support whenever they need it.
STEP #3 – CREATE BALANCE BETWEEN DESIRE AND DEPTH
Now, earlier I explained that scientists believe that it takes people about eight months to show their true colors and share their true selves with a romantic partner. Still, I want to bring up a very famous study that was run by a husband and wife duo by the names of Elain Aron, PhD and Arthur Aron, Phd who brought together groups of strangers as a means of studying emotional intimacy. Each person was provided with a duo and given the instructions of asking one another 36 carefully crafted questions. This study has become known as the “36 Questions to Fall in Love”. Results showed, according to the husband and wife due, that in just 45-minutes the assigned duos were feeling as close as (and often closer than) their “closest, deepest, and most involved relationships.” (Find the Quiz here .. 36 Questions to Fall in Love.) Learning how to create depth in your relationship is equally important. Here are five skills to create depth in your relationship:
Actually, Care.
Does your partner have an especially hard day coming up? Or equally an exceptionally exciting event headed their way? Help them get through it. Set out some clothes you like your wife wearing for her Girls Trip. Make your husband’s lunch a few days over the next month. Just help! Show your partner that you are in this life with them because they matter to you.
Show Appreciation for Your Partner Daily.
I tell all my couples that just as important as Self-Affirmations are for us, Partner-Affirmations are for our relationship. Ask yourself: Do I really care about my partner? If the answer is yes, show it. Show it through the things you say, the actions you take, and the love you demonstrate.
Talk about Past Wrongs but also Bring Up the Past Goods.
What is something you enjoyed with your partner? I remember when I met my best friend and she asked me a difficult question and I answered her… “I can do that in a few hours; maybe a day.” The truth is that we now laugh about this and have done the same task repeatedly in a few hours. Where some people could take months, we have perfected this and take a few hours to a few days. But the fun part is not that we have mastered one of our crafts but rather that we still laugh about this chance meeting where we created a lifelong friendship. This is also important to our romantic relationships because where there is “ick”, there has to be good. I tell my couples (almost on repeat) that you have to spend just as much time in the good as you do the ick. So, if you spend time in the ick this week (i.e. fighting, avoiding, etc), make sure you do something good for one another (i.e. go to dinner, take a walk, play a board game, etc.).
Create Connection Rituals.
One of my favorite things when I get home from work is that I get in the shower and imagine all of my stress and worries literally washing away. Now, this is something I do for me. Ask yourself: what do you and your partner do every night to wind down? Does your partner work out of town and every night you two make a commitment to talk on the phone to tell each other something funny that happened in your day? Do you plan to hold one another nightly for 20-minutes before falling asleep? Rituals build consistency, which is very important no matter the stage in relationship you are currently in. So, whether it’s your after-work gym session that you two do together three nights a week? Or your morning coffee sitting together sharing funny Tik Toks? No matter what it is, make sure you talk. Communication is a true building block of any relationship. Therefore, make that a ritual; carve time out of your day for it; do it often; do it consistently; make it feel like an important part of your day-to-day routine.
Don’t forget to Feed the Fire.
Now, I know I am telling you that lust isn’t love but did you know that you and your partner still have to keep that fire burning? Do the romantic things. Lay an outfit out for your wife and surprise her with a note and some flowers that invite her to dinner that night. Plan a golf day with your husband’s besties and arrange it all before he shows up. Make an aphrodisiac meal. Decorate the bedroom. No matter what you choose to do, your romantic life does not have to be that shirt you haven’t seen in years but find in the back of your closet. Your romantic life can be, and should be, a central component to your relationship. Have some fun!
STEP #4 – GIVE IT TIME
When I was young, my mom used to say “anything worth having takes a little time.” Now, she used to say this as I was impatiently waiting for the newest treat she was making up but I think it rings true here too. If you want a relationship to last the test of time, you have to give it time. Intensity fades, connection emerges… but no matter what, for this to happen, you have to give it time. Connection often takes time to fully form. As the initial intensity of a new relationship naturally begins to fade, it makes way for a deeper connection to emerge—one that is built on compatibility, empathy, and shared growth. When that initial "spark" becomes gentler, and you still feel a profound connection, that's often a sign of love truly maturing into something more profound and lasting. Ultimately, it is about choosing one another every day, each time, and all the time. It’s about choosing one another even when it’s not exciting and especially when it feels like we are not as passionate with our partner as we once were. Just remember that a life long relationship is about choosing each other and it’s that choice that continues to grow kindness, empathy, and honesty together. I get it, those emotions take effort but don’t most choices take effort?!
Building a real connection, filled with positive choices, truly means opening ourselves up to another human being—flaws, fears, and all. I know building a connection can be scary, and it certainly takes patience, empathy, and time but the fact remains that it being hard doesn't mean it's impossible; it just means we're doing something genuine and not superficial. If you find it difficult to have you and your partner build that genuine connection – you know, the one that’s not superficial or surface level – please reach out to California Couples Counseling. Therapists, here at California Couples Counseling, are trained to help guide you through our structured, evidence-based methods that not only help you find coping strategies to help with your most perplexing symptoms but also will help you gain the insight you need to help you and your partner grow the lifelong relationship that you two deserve. Call California Couples Counseling today!
Resources:
Brenner, Abigail. (July 18, 2018). “7 Ways to Keep the Flame Alive in Your Relationship.” Retrieved from: 7 Ways to Keep the Flame Alive in Your Relationship | Psychology Today United Kingdom
Milton, Jodie & Stockhausen, Reece. (January 2025). “How to Build Emotional Intimacy: The Ultimate Guide for 2025. Retrieved from: 14 Proven Ways To Build Emotional Intimacy In 2025
About the Author:
Tammie Makely, LMFT
Tammie Makley, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist here at California Couples Counseling. Tammie’s areas of specialty include:
Relationship Issues
Trauma
Sexual Abuse
Co-Occurring Disorders
Depression
Anxiety