Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under? Why it’s Important to Have an Open and Honest Conversation about the Hidden “Thing” in MY Life
Having an open and honest conversation about a serious topic, maybe a hidden addiction you or your partner are facing, can be a hurtful, difficult, and incredibly strenuous experience. Still, it can also be freeing. Freeing in the way that Shania Twain sings about secrets, betrayals, and even things that are hidden under the surface of the majority of conflicts that happen during relationship stress. In the song “Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under”, Shania Twain works to discuss the importance of trusting our gut, going with the things that we suspect, and bringing up the hard conversations that many of us do not want to (nor know how to) talk to our partner about. She calls out the women she suspects her partner is cheating with and suggests that she knows more that she is letting on. She even implies that she knows this is not just a “one-and-done” type of experience that her partner has entangled in her life. This song is a mix of playful yet wounded, upbeat yet witty, and raw emotion as it processes the important question of “whose bed have your boots been under?”
Here, Shania Twain suspects that her partner has been unfaithful yet does not pose this as a question but rather an accusation wrapped in sarcasm to not show her pain. Each of these emotions frame the idea that the hidden things in our relationships are the things that ultimately harm our trust and the level of our intimacy. I commonly tell the couples I see that it’s not just the betrayals, the cheating, the lies, or even more but rather what is hidden in the relationship that no one dares talk about that brings out these harmful behaviors. So, let me ask you… how would you bring up harmful conversation topics to your partner?
How NOT to have a Cheating (or more) Conversation?
Mabel has been in a relationship with her boyfriend, Troy, for almost six years. She recently discovered messages on his phone suggesting that he had definitely been emotionally involved with another woman and possibly physically. Mabel sat with the information for a few days, unsure how to bring her concerns up to him, but realized that she could not just do nothing – it was changing the way she looked at herself and felt about herself. Let me start by saying that there is definitely no right way of bringing this type of conversation up; however, there is definitely a wrong way. So, let’s cover that first… Some things to avoid include:
Avoid Accusations
You are not going to win if you start with the questions like “Are you cheating on me?”, “What’s wrong with me that you have to do this to me?”, or even “You’re addicted to porn (or sex), aren’t you?” Avoiding an accusation, especially in intimate conversations about cheating or sexual issues, is more than important because the idea here is that we have to talk about the hidden elephant in the room, not push our partner away and leave us to deal with the elephant on our own. We also want to avoid making accusations because we do not want to trigger our partner’s sense of defensiveness or dishonesty; I mean, we’re going to them and asking for understanding… Why would we want to trigger them to shut down? Let’s say that Mabel starts off by “you cheater, how could you do this to me?” What do you think Troy’s response would be? How would Troy react that could help Mabel in the moment, in real life where she was still able to keep her boundaries?
Don’t Blame
We want to open the door to dialogue and not close the door, which blaming will not allow room for. If your goal is to understand, you need your partner to talk… and let’s face it, accusations will put them on the defensive and not allow them to meet you where you are at. Instead, they will say what they think you want to hear, lie as a means of avoiding contact, and shut down or even stonewall. Further, by using such tricks as describing the behaviors you see, focusing on how you are feeling because of the things that are happening, stay curious, and even asking questions can help you not force blame or lead your partner to feeling blamed. One last thing I suggest to not allow for the feelings of defensiveness and blame to come up is to try putting your thoughts and feelings into an “I” statement. (Please know that the therapists at California Couples Counseling can do a 1-hour session where we work to figure out the fighting style that’s happening in the relationship and to work to slow that style down through the use of “I” statements. Reach out today!) How do you think the conversation would go if Mabel immediately began to blame Troy for the cheating and name called him, instead of meeting him with vulnerability?
Don’t Ask Questions that You Already Know the answer to.
The plain truth here is that you may not know the full story. Sometimes what looks like cheating, porn addiction, or even a sex addiction can stem from your partner experiencing a great deal of depression, stress, anxiety, shame around sex, or even a more avoidant attachment. Further, asking questions you already know the answer to can come across as manipulative, patronizing, gaslighting, or even, in my opinion worse, passive-aggressive, depending on what the conversation is about to be focused on. When this happens, it’s like giving your partner the green light to shut down because once they figure out that you “already know”, why would they need to discuss the things that are being brought up?
Instead, let’s try this three step approach instead:
(1) Check Your Intention – admit that you already know what you feel like you need to know and work to reframe your intention, (2) Get to Reframing and Not Fishing – It’s important to use direct communication when talking with your partner about serious issues. If you’re asking just to get a certain answer out of them, try being upfront. So, admit you already know and ask them to work on creating better habits for your relationship, you know, habits that push the relationship forward with trust and vulnerability; (3) Practice Pausing – Before you ask something, pause and think… Before you hear an answer to something you already asked, pause and think. Remember that discomfort does not equal danger; you must work to regulate yourself first; use clear-calm-direct language; don’t beat around the bush; don’t rush to solve or defend; and allow for silence. Silence is not a form of rejection. So, if things go quiet, remind yourself that that’s okay. Don’t rush to fill the space; let your partner process; be yourself and don’t let yourself become intimidated. (If you feel like you need help with this part of the process, reach out to California Couples Counseling today!)
Don’t Go to Your Partner with Hostility no matter how much you want to.
We can all be honest without being hostile; however, blaming our partner will push our partner to feel uneasy and they will ultimately close down. Why would they close down, you ask. Because talking to your partner about these types of topics – whether they are struggling with it or you are – is an incredibly sensitive, vulnerable, charged conversation that for most of us is overwhelming. It’s true that no one wants to be hostile with their partner; therefore, remember that hostility often shows up when there is betrayal, defensiveness, fear, shame, and a lack of vulnerability in that space of the relationship. So, let’s first try to allow you and your partner to begin these conversations with emotional safety. Some things that you can try are the Gottman Weekly Check-In which works to disarm defensiveness for the relationship. Use “I” statements and actual observations. When someone who is hostile or blaming may say “I know you’re addicted to sex and that’s ruining our relationship”, someone who is trying to stay grounded may something more like “I know I have been really hurt and confused about some of the things that are going on right now, (tell them the specific behaviors you see). I need us to talk about these things openly.” Another thing to do is to set boundaries, not make any form of moral judgment, and invite help.
Some phrases that can reduce possible hostility, include:
“I’m not here to attack. I just want us to be real with one another.”
“I’m struggling with what I’ve found out but I don’t want us to not feel close.”
“I want us to understand that it’s our problem; I’m here for you.”
I care about you but I also need to protect myself. Let’s talk about what this looks like for our relationship.”
How to Have a Cheating (or more) Conversation
While it is important to know what “not-to-do”, there are certainly things that are important to know what “to-do” during this type of conversation, such as: talking about your feelings, using “I” statements, clarifying your concerns, and deciding on the goals you want to achieve during this conversation. Sure, I can teach you what an “I” statement is but I know you’re all more than capable of looking up what it is and how it works online so I don’t want to waste your time… I could even tell you to keep your tone calm, non-reactionary; to not bring up the harder topics during a fight – choose a better time; to expect silence; or even to have support for yourself after you bring this topic up to your partner. I can do all of that (or perhaps I just did).
Now, let’s say that Mabel approaches this topic like she knows what she is doing.
Mabel: “Troy, I love you and I want you to remember that before I tell you something… but I need to talk to you. It’s been really hard for me to figure out what to say to you but I’ve been sitting with this for a few days, trying to figure out what to say, and since I don’t know, I’m hoping you can help me. I hope you can just listen to me before you really say anything or react in any way.”
Troy (already visibly bothered): “Ummh… okay…”
Mabel: “I came across some messages between you and someone else and from what I can tell, it seems like you two are really close – maybe, emotionally too close – and maybe you’re physically too close too.”
Troy: “What messages?”
Mabel: “Troy, please. I’m not trying to start an argument. I’m not here to scream and yell. I just want the truth. What I read was super clear and I need you to be honest with me. I need you to talk to me.”
(Troy pauses but eventually admits to having an emotional and physical affair with the woman in the messages, Laurelai.)
Maya: “Thank you for telling me the truth. As hard as I’m sure it was for you, this was hard for me too. I just know that I’d rather have honesty and even though I really don’t know what this means for us, I do know that I need to know the truth. I deserved to hear the truth.”
During the conversation, we can see that Maya was able to stay grounded despite her very valid and hurt feelings. She did not act out in a hostile way and did not blame Troy. She asked for honesty and held her boundaries. This is the perfect example of how conversations like this could go; however, confrontations like this are very painful and so emotions often run high. While the conversation-example was definitely a difficult one, I want to emphasize the importance of talking to your partner, and feeling like you can, is absolutely essential. In fact, it’s not just essential for your relationship but rather for your individual well-being as well. Why? Because avoiding these conversations, while it may feel easier in the short term, often leads to deeper issues, such as: deeper pain, broken trust, and emotional distance if not handled. So, do it. Bring it up! Allow some things to be messy! Be proactive and talk! Communicate with your partner. Dr. Kathy Nickerson states that “as upset as you are, and rightly so, you cannot attack your partner in this conversation.” She explains that you want to come across as “calm, sincere, genuine, and understanding.” But how do we do this? I often tell my clients and couples, alike, that “failing to plan is planning to fail.” What I mean by that is you cannot just go in there and wing it. You must make arrangements to have a serious conversation with your partner; you must get yourself as centered as possible, I mean it, really regulate your nervous system; you must share, with your partner, what you know; and you need to bring in bullet-points to remember and not a whole script because, let’s face it, you will not remember it in the minute. But, let’s face it, that’s just my advice and I’m sure every therapist will have their own caveat of advice for how to talk to your partner about your suspicions.
Optional Examples of what to say depending on the Situation
If you are at your Breaking Point…
“I need to be clear that if this continues without transparency or I don’t feel like you’re changing, I won’t be able to stay in a relationship with you like this. That’s not a threat, I would never do that; I’m just telling you that I have limits too.”
If you are Not Sure What You Want from your relationship…
“I really don’t know what any of this means for our relationship yet but I do know that I need us to talk about it.
If you Suspect Your Partner will become Defensive…
“It’s okay if this is not something you’re proud of; we’ve all done things we’re not proud of. I’m not your parent and don’t want to parent you. I just want you to feel like you can talk to me. You’re a huge part of my life and I want us to feel safe to share with one another.”
Why It’s Important to Have These Hard Talks
Communication is certainly the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. However, certain topics can create significant barriers to having the open and honest dialogue that many of us feel must occur with any healthy form of communication. Let’s say you just found out that your partner is struggling with a sexual or porn addiction. While the addict will commonly work to hide their behavior, the non-addicted partner will often undergo feelings of fear and lack of emotional vulnerability. According to the KeyStone Center, “overcoming these challenges requires patience and understanding from both parties. It is crucial to foster an environment where both can express their feelings without fear of judgment or retaliation.” Therefore, while there are many reasons why it’s important to have these hard talks with our partner, some of the bigger reasons include:
Truth Builds Trust (but it can also break it)
The plain truth is that trust is not just about being faithful – it’s about being real. Real with our partner about the things that we care about and, if you’re like me, we care about them. Real is about showing up as ourselves. Real is about showing up when it’s hard and not just when it’s safe or easy. Real is about us choosing to show vulnerability and integrity… and who doesn’t want that? We all need our partners to see, validate, and allow for us to have room for, well, us. We need to let go of the performance. This is not the new Netflix show, “Hunting Wives”, where the new girl asks “What do you all do?” and she’s told “We wife”. That’s not enough! That’s unrealistic. We need to “us” and the rest, hopefully, will work itself out. Simply put, you don’t get to say you’re fine when you’re not and you most certainly don’t have to pretend you are okay with things happening just to avoid conflict. Real, instead, says “I’d rather be uncomfortable if that means I get to share all of myself.” The KeyStone Center states that “rebuilding trust after the damage caused by addiction or cheating is a challenging process that requires time, patience, understanding, trust, and consistent effort from both partners.” So, how do we rebuild it? We must first understand that the afflicted partner must show accountability and commitment to change. They must be able to be honest about their actions, acknowledge the causation of pain in their partner, and even be willing to prevent the harmful behaviors in the future; whereas, the betrayed partner needs to be open to healing. They must choose to forge forward with their partner, which does not mean that they need to forget or easily forgive.
Avoidance Leads to Resentment
Avoiding serious conversations in a relationship may feel like you’re keeping the peace; however, in reality, there’s nothing peaceful about avoidance. This is because when we avoid something, our unspoken truth doesn’t just disappear – instead, it festers and accumulates. Have you or your partner ever been upset about something but when it’s articulated and communicated about, you wonder “How did this argument get so big?” Well, like I tell my clients, arguments don’t get big out of nowhere. Instead, when you don’t talk about what’s bothering you, those feelings don’t just go away. I mean think about it… I’m having an unmet need, I do nothing about it, nothing changes, and the unmet need just somehow is supposed to poof and go away? How would that work exactly? We all know it doesn’t and that’s the truth for any form of unmet need, any sign of betrayal, and any level of disconnection. Those feelings don’t just go away, rather, they get stored. And once they are stored, we all do this – we start telling ourselves stories about what we think is happening and not what is actually happening. These mental narratives work to feed resentments because instead of asking for truths, we start accepting guesses, our guesses. All of this leads to walls. We are internally building walls to guard ourselves against our partner rather than building bridges of connection with our partner. We stop being affectionate, we withdraw, and we even start to show behaviors of passive-aggressive tendencies. When this happens, we almost always erupt. We can’t stay quiet forever. So, instead of talking about things when we first get upset, we end up having some explosive fight over the smallest of things; experience some form of emotional detachment or indifference; and act out – some common forms of acting out include: having an affair, shutting down and not being emotionally vulnerable with our partner, or even breaking up with our partner “out of nowhere”.
Denial Harbors the Problem
It is not our job to protect the problem. It is our job and our responsibility to protect our self and our relationship. Ignoring when our partner cheats or has an addiction does not protect anyone and instead only offers us more time to grow the unchecked behavior. My mentor back when I was in grad school used to always tell me “What’s not confronted cannot be changed.” For me, this was his way of saying that staying quiet does not keep the peace but instead allows time for the problem to continue and the consequences to be delayed. So, whether the issue is some form of betrayal, compulsion, emotional disconnection, or something else, healing can only begin when the two people rise together in their relationship and name the behavior, the problem, together. We cannot expect that someone or something will heal if it is not talked about in the relationship. Something I commonly have told clients is that there is no problem that doesn’t grow in the dark; therefore, we have to bring it to the light (i.e. the forefront) in order to take away its power and stop feeding it. Five simple truths I know about denial include (1) denial delays action – when we deny a problem, we delay boundaries as well as healing; (2) denial blocks emotional honesty – we have to pretend in order to deny something so we often create a dishonest dynamic where the relationship truly weakens; (3) denial creates distance instead of connection – denial causes trust to erode, intimacy to fade and communication to not cycle on the important issues; (4) denial forces you to pretend – pretending everything is fine certainly takes a toll. Physically you’re stressed; Emotionally you're tired or checked-out; Relationally you stop showing up; and (5) denial increases the risk of emotional or physical collapse – Many relationships break down not because of one, big event but because of years or denial. Problems make a pile; Communication stops; Both partners check out. So, while it may be easier, in the short term, to deny a problem, it comes at such a heavy cost. Denial protects the problem, not the relationship.
It Creates the Possibility of Repair – or Closure
Let’s face it, relationships often do not survive cheating, substance addictions, sex addictions, porn addictions, or even the fight the couple has in front of someone’s mom… but some do! Talking about anything major in our relationships does not just allow for us to “catch” or have our partner “confess”, instead it’s about saying.. “I care about us. I care about myself.” Remember, avoiding the truth keeps you stuck. Facing the issue head on, gives you and your partner choices.
The truth is that Shania Twain places a voice of empowerment for men and women, alike, after a betrayal has happened. Yet, it is still important to look past the anthem and look towards the words “Whose bed have your boots been under? And whose heart did you steal, I wonder?” How difficult it must be to sing a happy tune during such a painful, vulnerable time for both partners. The truth is that real conversations in relationships like this can be hard (and should be). So, make sure you allow you and your partner time, space, compassion, and anything else you may need to get through such difficult conversations.
Korshak, an LMFT out of San Francisco, states that “if you suspect your partner is cheating, I would recommend finding a good therapist, developing a self-care plan, enlisting social support, and confronting your partner – in that order.” If you’re brave enough to ask your partner the hard questions, please try to do so with compassion; however, remember that starting difficult conversations with accusatory questions is not helpful. So, if you feel like you need the support you more than deserve, please reach out to California Couples Counseling today. We offer couples counseling in 60, 90, and 120 minute long sessions as well as are able to provide Therapeutic Intensives, which can be 3 and/or 6-hours in length. The therapists, here at California Couples Counseling, are trained to help guide you through structured, evidenced-based methods that will help you and your partner feel seen, heard, and like your experience matters – because, well, you both do.
If you and your partner feel ready to have the “hard talk”, please call (415) 854-5904 today. Let us help you have that difficult conversation and find the skills for you and your partner to move closer together today!
Resources:
Goggin, Mary Ellen. (February 13, 2022). “How To Talk To Your Spouse About Them Cheating.” Retrieved at: https://freeandconnected.com/how-to-talk-to-your-spouse-about-them-cheating/
KeyStone Center. “How Sex Addiction Affects Relationships.” Retrieved at: https://keystonecenterecu.net/blog/how-sex-addiction-affects-relationships/#:~:text=This%20includes%20being%20honest%20about,rather%20choosing%20to%20move%20forward.
Lebow, Hillary. (October 17, 2023). “9 Things to Do if You Suspect Your Partner is Cheating on You.” Retrieved at: 9 Things to Do if You Suspect Your Partner Is Cheating on You | Everyday Health
Nickerson, Kathy. “How do I tell my boyfriend/husband that I know he cheated?” Retrieved at: How Do I Tell My Boyfriend / Husband That I Know He Cheated? – Dr Kathy Nickerson
Rokach, Ami & Chan, Sybil. “January 23, 2023). “Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences. Retrieved at: Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences
About the Author:
Tammie Makely, LMFT
Tammie Makley, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist here at California Couples Counseling. Tammie’s areas of specialty include:
Relationship Issues
Trauma
Sexual Abuse
Co-Occurring Disorders
Depression
Anxiety