Understanding the Difference Between a Sex Addict, Porn Addict, and Porn User
Have you ever wondered what the differences are between a porn addiction and a sex addiction? Have you ever wondered how to have a conversation with your partner if you think they may have a porn addiction or sex addiction? Have you ever wondered how to cope with your porn addiction or sex addiction? Have you ever wondered how to cope with your partner’s porn addiction or sex addiction? Are you asking yourself if you should stay in your relationship even though there is this addiction? Have you ever wondered how to protect yourself from harm if your partner has a porn addiction or sex addiction? Have you ever wondered how to rebuild trust, intimacy, boundaries, and more after realizing that you or your partner has a porn addiction or sex addiction?
Well, here at California Couples Counseling we aim to help you. We aim to help you not only through the construct of individual and couples counseling but also through this six-part information series all about how to answer the very questions I just asked. So, sit back, relax, and let’s help you and your partner get to work. We will offer answers to the six most important and common questions posed in behavioral addictions with the hopes that we cannot only educate you but also work to build your trust into a lasting relationship between you, your partner, and us (you know, the licensed therapists here at California Couples Counseling). This week we are tackling the question “What’s the difference between a Sex Addict, Porn Addict, and Porn User?”
Different Forms of Addiction
Addiction can occur in several forms; however, the common types of addiction are those that are substance use related and behavioral. While many of us know what a substance use related addiction is, there are many of us who do not fully understand the construct of a behavioral addiction. In the article “Understanding Compulsive Sexual Behavior and Pornography Viewing as Addictions”, Dr. Gene Katz explains that “Often, it is assumed that physical dependence, characterized by withdrawal symptoms, is required for someone to be diagnosed with an addiction disorder, but the fact is that behavioral addiction can occur with all the negative consequences in a person’s life minus the physical issues faced by people who compulsively engage in drug and alcohol abuse.” But let’s face it, the biggest difference between these two forms of addictions is that one addiction uses substances and the other uses behaviors.
Some behavioral addictions include: gambling, internet, shopping, social media, plastic surgery, work, food, and even thrill-seeking activities. So, when someone is trying to understand the difference between these two forms of addiction, the construct of porn addiction and sex addiction are commonly used to highlight that of behavioral addictions.
Understanding the difference between a Sex Addict, Porn Addict, and Porn User
Mateo is a 27-year old, Hispanic male who works remotely for a well-known software company. Mateo lives alone, is not currently in a relationship, and is bothered by how few friends he has the opportunity to spend time with. He started watching pornography at the age of 11 and watched it two or three times a week throughout High School and College. After getting his job, his use increased but was pretty manageable until he got a promotion at his job. After he got his promotion, things changed for Mateo. From this example, it is easy to see that Mateo is a definite consumer of pornography; by all intents and purposes, Mateo is Porn User. A porn user by definition is the person who is actually watching pornography. This watching of pornography does not usually cause any major issues or problems in the person’s life and it cannot be seen as a problem for the person.
Pornography Use
Porn usage is commonly thought of as a normal part of life and can be infrequent to regular and is always voluntary and seen as intentional. This is where a person watches pornography occasionally for the pure act of release and sexual gratification and does not affect the person’s ability to perform at their job, in their relationships, and does not affect their well-being. The problem is that people often get stuck in the loop of watching pornography and don’t understand how to stop or slow down. Some common statements that a person who struggles with a porn usage may say include:
“It’s a natural outlet for my sexual urges.”
Calling porn a “natural outlet” doesn’t automatically mean that it’s healthy and harmless. Instead the impacts of porn vary widely by frequency/type/duration, a person’s values and beliefs, or even the effects it has on the person’s own mental health, level of intimacy, or even sexual satisfaction.
“Masturbation is healthy, and porn helps with that.”
Masturbation with porn does not carry the risks of pregnancy, emotional entanglements, or even a sexually transmitted disease. It can be used to avoid making harmful and unhealthy sexual choices in real life but also works as a way to repress sexual urges that often cause a person to feel tense, frustrated, or distressed. The problem with this is that it is addictive. It can really take a toll on relationships and often distracts from any form of true intimacy a person can receive.
Recently, he has been watching pornography for several hours a day and finds that he goes to bed way too late, thus he struggles to wake up in the morning for work. As he works remotely, he feels like he is not taking much time from work, has only missed two out of his last four meetings, but still feels like he is performing pretty well at his job. I mean he did just get a promotion! Last night, his work friend came to stay at his house for a work meeting the next day. When his friend asked to use his computer “really quickly,” Mateo freaked out and told him “no.” As the work friend laughed, Mateo said “I’m just really particular about my stuff. I don’t want anyone looking at it or moving something around on me.” While his friend seemed to understand and brushed it off, Mateo thought to himself… “Phew, that was a close call. I can’t have my secret come out.” The next day at the meeting, Mateo’s manager Ross asked him to meet with him later. Mateo began to freak out, asking himself: “I need to relax my anxiety; this is just too much for me.” Immediately after the confrontation between Mateo and his boss, Ross, Mateo excused himself to the bathroom and streamed pornographic material for a few minutes before he re-entered the meeting.
At this point, Mateo is watching pornographic material to escape from the emotions that have been coming up for him. He is stressed so watches. He feels guilt and shame so watches. He isolates as he works from home so watches. No matter the negative feeling that comes up for Mateo, he watches and returns to the materials for some level of comfort.
Pornography Addiction
A Porn Addict by definition is a person whose pattern of compulsive consumption eventually leads to being out of the person’s control. It always comes with negative consequences that are similar to that of a person who uses substances or even alcohol. This is when someone watches pornography for hours a day, every day, even when they have prior responsibilities, such as with work, child rearing, or even plans with friends or family. The person often feels unable to stop watching pornography even though it is causing problems for them and in their life. Some key characteristics of porn addiction include:
Cravings or urges that feel uncontrollable.
Continued use despite the harm it causes to the person’s life.
Failed attempts to cut back or stop.
Feelings of guilt, regret, or even shame after the use of pornography.
Using porn as a means to escape from being bored / stressed or even experiencing some form of emotional pain or distress.
Experiences a change in their sexual relationship with their partner, such as decreased sexual satisfaction, loss of productivity, or even attempts to isolate.
Some common statements that a person who struggles with a porn addiction may say include:
“I have a really high sex drive.”
People often use this explanation to justify their actions. They try to use their high consumption as this consumption often interferes with their responsibilities and relationships.
“I only watch it when I’m stressed out.”
People often use pornography in order to cope with their negative and maladaptive emotions; however, they often don’t realize that they are using it the same way that others use drugs and alcohol.
“I can stop watching it at any time.”
People often believe that they are the ones in control; however, they often struggle with noticing their usage until it is too late. Despite failed attempts to reduce their usage or stop using/watching it altogether, the person still believes that they are in control. Still, the use of pornography can often become compulsive, which is when there is a problem.
“I’m not hurting anyone.”
People often do not realize that just because they are not physically harming themselves or someone else, they can be emotionally harming them. People often overlook the time they spend consuming this material or how they isolate themselves or even how they lose sleep during their addiction. People who struggle with this addiction can sometimes even form unrealistic sexual expectations for their partner, current or future.
“It’s better than doing something worse.”
Sometimes people compare their use of pornography as being better than them having an affair, gambling their life savings away, or even using drugs/alcohol. Thinking that porn use is harmless often gives the consumer of this illicit material a feeling that their addiction is “not as bad” as what others do. Still, when this happens, the consumer often lacks a true sense of self-reflection and some lack the wherewithal to understand how their addiction is affecting their partner, their job, or any other aspect of their life.
Defining Sex Addiction
A few months later, Mateo began seeing the girl who lived across the hall of his apartment complex. As this relationship became more serious, Mateo often experienced more stress. His job was stressful, he wanted Caleopea to move in, and his father was recently diagnosed with early onset Parkinson’s Disease. With the more and more stress, Mateo now has begun to look for deeper ways to feel his sense of comfort. A Sex Addict is a person who usually engages in compulsive thoughts about sex and sexual behaviors that are not limited to pornography and always disrupts a person’s life. While a person who is struggling with a sex addiction does not always have to watch pornography, which is not the same as someone who struggles with a porn addiction, this person has a pattern of sexual thoughts and behaviors that can be real or fantasized. A sex addiction is also known as Compulsive Sexual Behavior. This is a broader condition than that of porn addiction. Some key characteristics in sex addiction include:
Engaging in risky sexual behavior
Uses this as a way to self regulate or distract themselves
Does not always include sex and may include masturbation, pornography, excessive flirting, sexting, going to massage parlors, or even acts of infidelity.
Persistently escalating behaviors despite negative consequences for the person.
Preoccupation with sex that commonly dominates every aspect of the person’s life.
Common Statements of Sex Addiction
Some common statements that a person who struggles with a sex addiction may say include:
“Sex helps me get what I want.”
We’ve all been there. We want someone to like us so we just agree at the moment. Maybe we’re not looking as much for approval but more for love, money, status, control, or even ways of being recognized. The person who struggles with this type of statement is the one who doesn’t necessarily regard sex as transactional but usually knows that they receive something from having the situation arise in their life.
“I’m never as stressed when I have sex a few times a week.”
This is just that – the person is attempting to utilize sex (or some form of sexual activity) to avoid their feelings. While this is truly a maladaptive way of coping, people do feel less anxious, bored, depressed, or even lonely when they are using sex to cope. Still, it is risky because the person runs the risk of sex (or sexual activity) becoming their primary coping mechanisms.
“I just have a pretty lively imagination.”
This is the fantasy escapist. The person can spend hours and hours of time daydreaming about sex and other sexual activities, often at the cost of their relationship and their responsibilities.
“People just really like me.”
I’m sure we’ve all heard the phrase “the player’s mentality”. This is the person who has frequent, casual encounters with people that are centered around sex or sexual activities. The person often prides themselves on being attractive to other people and doesn't see how often they engage as an issue as it is consensual. Deep inside at their core, though, they often feel ashamed, anxious, empty, and even more embarrassed than before they started to engage in this activity.
“I’m just being friendly.”
This is the “office flirt”, you know, the one who often flirts relentlessly, crosses boundaries, and often turns anyone they meet as a way to prove their worth. It’s as if they don’t see their patterns of behavior and do not feel that their reputation will ever suffer, even if there is a HR complaint or two.
“I didn’t ask her to do that, she offered.”
This is the person who goes and gets a happy ending after they get a massage. The person does not always recognize that this is an issue because they were not the person who asked for the behavior. Still, they do not always realize what their behavior says about their relationship with sex. They may see it as a form of relaxation, do not see how serious this is, and are able to compartmentalize. Still, what the person does not always see is that this behavior is a form of detachment from intimacy as the person may feel guilty afterward, hide it from their partners due to fear of being scrutinized, justify it as “it’s not real sex”, and repeat it compulsively even when they try to stop.
The Intersection of Sex and Pornography Addiction
While sex addiction and porn addiction are truly stand alone addictions, they often tend to overlap through the compulsiveness of the act and the negative impact that both of these addictions have on the person, their job, their relationships, and their ability to be around others. For sexual addictions, much like any other addict, they experience a four-step cycle, including: (1) preoccupation with the thoughts of sex; (2) ritualization of the addicts own routines that lead to the sexual behavior; (3) compulsive behavior as the actual act of sex which is the end-goal of both the pre-occupation and the ritualization; (4) despair that the addicts have about their choices, their behaviors, and their feelings of powerlessness. Further, both porn and sex addictions can deeply affect the person and can deeply affect their partner because of the guilt, shame, and intense isolation that the person (and often their partner) feel as they struggle with their emotional distress, psychological distress, and feelings of betrayal, financial ruin, and commonly even health consequences.
Treatment for Sex and Pornography Addiction
While there are many practical approaches for working with porn addiction and sex addiction, some of the most known include:
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) which helps process traumatic memories.
Somatic Experiencing which helps the person docs on their own bodily sensations in order to release their stored trauma throughout the body.
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) which addresses how our thought patterns often turn to harmful behaviors.
Therapy Intensives, which are focused therapy sessions that are longer in length that allow the person (or the couple) to work to find ways to address their issues. Unlike the traditional form of therapy which ends strictly when the session is over, intensives (like the ones we offer at California Couples Counseling) offer deeper, more attuned, and much quicker success for its participants.
Twelve-Steps Program, which focuses on building a network/team for the addict. Patrick Carnes, PhD states that “Recovery from addiction is the reversal of the alienation that is integral to the addiction. Addicts must establish roots in a caring community. With that support, addicts can stay straight as they struggle for a perspective on their lives. With help, addicts can integrate new beliefs and discard dysfunctional thinking. Without the mood-altering insanity to insulate them from knowledge about their own sanity.
Please know that while all forms of addiction are vicious, they each highlight the person’s inability to trust others. Yet without help from others, the addict cannot regain control because the addiction feeds itself. If you feel like you or a loved one are struggling with more than just what some would call “regular” consumption of pornography or sexual experiences, please know that the therapists here at California Couples Counseling are here to help. Therapy plays an important role in helping clients recover from pornography and sex addictions. It is important to work in collaboration with your therapist so that you can learn that sex and porn are not necessarily “bad” things but rather things that we can enjoy in healthy ways. Reach out to a therapist at California Couples Counseling today! Many of us are trained to help guide you through this phase of your life. We offer evidenced-based methods that can help you and your partner understand if this is an addiction. If you feel like it’s time to get the help you need and deserve, please give California Couples Counseling a shot – call (415) 854-5904 today. Let’s start figuring this out; you and your loved one are worth it.
Resources:
Carnes, Patrick. (2002). “Out of the Shadows.” Retrieved at: https://www.drpatrickcarnes.com/out-of-the-shadows
Katz, Gene. (2023). “Understanding Compulsive Sexual Behavior and Pornography Viewing as Addictions.” Retrieved at: https://behavioralhealthnews.org/understanding-compulsive-sexual-behavior-and-pornography-viewing-as-addictions/
Murray, Mrystina. (2024). “Behavioral Addictions.” Retrieved at: https://www.addictioncenter.com/behavioral-addictions/
About the Author:
Tammie Makely, LMFT
Tammie Makley, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist here at California Couples Counseling. Tammie’s areas of specialty include:
Relationship Issues
Trauma
Sexual Abuse
Co-Occurring Disorders
Depression
Anxiety