7 Rules of Engagement for Arguing with Your Partner
Do you remember when your relationship was so new that you thought you would never fight? Sometimes it's the feeling of being so in love that you would never have a problem. Like if we just stay in our room, bottle the feelings, spend time alone with one another, or even just feast on the nectar of our love that our relationship can stay away from the “fight”. But the two truths that will remain consistent in every relationship is (1) there comes a separate level of depth and longingness in every relationship and (2) every couple fights. Fighting in a relationship is both normal and real. The fighting allows us to share in ways that we don’t normally allow ourselves to. It also makes us look at the things that we are pushing down and not regularly confronting. Remember it is not against our partner but rather our partner and us against the problem. Still, we must all have ground rules, what I like to call, Rules of Engagement, for when we argue with our partner.
When we think about “Rules of Engagement,” some of us think about the sitcom that was created for CBS and aired from 2007 to 2013; I mean the show aired for over six years, many of us certainly know it. It showed two couples and their single friend and the complications of dating compared to marriage. It shows different relationships in different parts of life from dating, newlywed, and married. In my opinion, this was a great show that showed different dynamics in the different relationships. Still, my favorite episode was that of Season 4, Episode 3 where Jeff and Audrey both lie about their weekend plans.
A disagreement ensues and we are left wondering how the couple will navigate their newest fight. Now, let me ask you a question… if you and your friend or even your partner get into an argument like this. How would you handle it? Would you be able to engage appropriately in an argument with your partner? How do you know what to do if you turn, what the kids call these days, toxic? Well, here are seven rules for Fair Fighting that you may want to consider the next time you and your partner run across a problem that is not easily fixed.
Seven Rules for Fair Fighting
Woody Schuldt explains that there are certainly fair fighting rules in his article “Fair Fighting Rules”. He cautions that just because there are rules for fighting, it does not mean that we can’t argue… because we most certainly will. Schuldts tells us how to do it in a healthy and pro-active manner. He explains that there are ways to handle every disagreement, which include: (1) before you begin, ask yourself why you feel upset; (2) discuss one topic at a time; (3) No degrading language; (4) express your feelings with words; (5) take turns speaking; (6) no stone walling; (7) no yelling; (8) take a time-out if things get too heated; (9) attempt to come to a compromise on an understanding. Let me explain:
1. Ask yourself why you’re upset even before you talk to your partner.
Knowing how you feel and why you are upset is important though tricky. Feelings are tricky things that some people would prefer having fire ants run all over their body compared to experience their feelings. So, how do we know how we’re feeling when we’re really not used to it so we can express our feelings to our partner? Well, there are some simple things that I suggest to my clients, such as: (1) Check-In with Yourself, (2) Ask yourself what has been bothering you and notice the discomfort in your body, (3) Check your Triggers, (4) Ask yourself why you are feeling triggered, (5) Put your feelings into words before you talk to your partner, and (6) Practice using your “I” Statements.
2. Have a Set of Bullet Points / Points of Discussion so you know what you have to handle and take it one item at a time.
Creating a bullet point list of things to talk to your partner can truly help you communicate with your partner more clearly. I often tell my clients that if you want to have a serious conversation with your partner about something in particular, know what you’re going to say… don’t create a monologue but have bullet points in your head or a list of things (no more than three) to talk to your partner about. Having a list of things you can share with your partner, you will not have a brain dump on your partner, which would definitely create chaos in the moment and later.
So, if you want to talk about important things with your partner, I would suggest you brain dump first. Try writing things like your feelings down. Ask your questions, such as: (1) What am I needing to talk about? (2) What’s been bothering me? (3) What do I need more of or less from them? Once you ask yourself these questions, put your list into “I” statements. Some examples of these types of statements could include:
I’ve been feeling (EMOTION) about (EVENT), and I’m not sure if I communicated that well.
I appreciate the way you handled (SITUATION), and I want to make sure you feel supported too. Is there anything that I can do to help you?
Can we plan something fun together? Possibly go miniature golfing or to play pool? I feel like I need time alone with you.
3. Do NOT Namecall, Blame, or be Mean.
The idea of limiting name-calling and blaming in our arguments is one of the hardest but most important parts of handling healthy conflict with our partners and others. Why? Because when these two things start to rear their ugly heads, they are usually a sign of something deeper – and that “something deeper” is what causes a true sense of shutdown in our connection, our communication, and our sense of resolution (you know the “fix” to our problems).
Lysa TerKeurst states “Behind every angry outburst is a need that wasn’t met and a feeling that wasn’t heard.”
Brene Brown says that “Blame is a way to discharge anger, fear, and shame. But it doesn’t fix the pain underneath.”
Ambrose Bierce is known for saying “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
The thing each of these quotes has in common is that each one explains a fact about how our anger, need to blame, the reasons for namecalling, and more all work against us. How will we ever get to have what we want if we are not able to express ourselves calmly and rationally? By learning how to keep ourselves calm and rational in stressful situations, such as talking with our partners about serious things or in disagreements, we can truly understand our triggers, take a deep sigh of relief, and trust that our emotions are balanced, which after all is the goal during a disagreement with our partner. So, check in with yourself, take some literal deep breaths, and work on activities/exercises that will keep us grounded such as deep breathing, meditation, journaling (see my post about how useful journaling can be), physical exercise, and talk about each step as you go through them.
4. Know how you're feeling so you can tell your partner.
They say that you teach people how to treat you. So, if you want respect, it is not enough to demand respect. Instead, you have to be respectful, leave when you are not feeling respected, and know your boundaries. Being able to communicate how you are feeling is the first (and the most difficult) step in communicating your needs, wants, and desires to your partner. This is because when we don’t know what we are feeling, it is easy for us to shut down. It is easy for us to shut down, lash out, or say things that we don’t necessarily want to say and don’t always mean. Learning how you are feeling includes some easy steps, including:
Slowing down, getting into a quiet space, breathing deeply, and asking yourself what you need, want, and how you feel.
Use a feelings wheel. You use a feelings wheel by finding the default emotion and then working away from the center to see how deep you can associate your feeling with. Something as simple as “I feel bad” can quickly turn into “I feel rejected” or “I feel lonely” when you use a feelings wheel.
Use an “I” statement and remember to keep it about what you are experiencing rather than what your partner is doing/saying or their behavior.
Check your emotion in your body. An example would be asking how you feel and where you feel it in your body. A clenched jaw indicates anger; tight chest indicates anxiety; a lump in your throat indicates sadness; heavy shoulders often indicate pressure and stress. Remember to use your physical symptoms as clues.
5. Do NOT Stonewall and Do NOT Yell at your partner!
Stonewalling: The definition of stonewalling is to withdraw from every pattern of interaction or communication and is seen by shutting down emotionally (not processing), going silent (not expressing), or refusing to engage (not engaging). While the purpose is often seen as a defense mechanism in order to avoid what the person sees as escalation, discomfort, or vulnerability, it can leave the partner feeling ignored, invalidated, overwhelmed, rejected, and not good-enough. Some common behaviors that someone using stonewalling as a form of defense in a fight include the actions of avoiding eye contact, giving the silent treatment, walking away during the fight, saying “I don’t want to talk about it” and/or not revisiting the problem later.
Yelling: While stonewalling is stopping the communication, yelling is expressed through communicating your feelings –often anger– through loud, aggressive, or extremely intense verbal communication. It is seen by someone raising your voice, using overly critical language, interrupting, talking-over, and/or not listening when our partner is trying to express themselves. While this form of communication rises out of the attempts to control the situation, it often leaves our partner feeling attacked, overwhelmed, or even unsafe.
While stonewalling and yelling are both damaging forms of communication, or even non-communication, within the context of a relationship, it is also important to remember that the way we slow both of these forms of expression down is doing things to calm ourselves down and to remember to express our emotions in a calm, vulnerable and respectful way. And most of all remember that if our partner asks for a break, we need to fight the urge to chase or pressure our partner in the moment. This action of chasing and pressuring our partner, just pushes them further and further away.
6. Ask for Breaks and Time-Outs, as needed.
The truth is that asking for a break during a fight can be a true game changer. On one hand you’re asking for a break – to walk away during a hard moment; the other side is knowing that the best way to prevent things from escalating and giving you both some time to cool down and think in a healthier way. Still, how you ask for the break makes all the difference in the world. The goal is for the break but we also want to make sure that our partner does not feel rejected, punished, abandoned, or like they are the problem. So, the next time you want to try asking for a break, try some of these things first…
Acknowledge the Feelings that are coming from the Conflict
“I can feel like we’re getting really heated and I’m feeling very overwhelmed and know I’m not saying things I want to right now.”
Directly Ask for the Break
“Can we take a short break so we can both calm down?”
Reassure your Partner that this is NOT You Avoiding them
“I’m not walking away from us – I’m walking away from the possibility that I will continue to be mean to you. I want you. I want to be with you.”
7. Set a Time to Return
Remember that it’s not you against your partner but rather you two against the problem. Now this may be the hardest part of these seven rules. This is a true mindset shift. This is one that takes understanding, intentionality, and practice to make this all work. When you add this idea to the situation of an argument, both partners need to remember that it is partner 1 and partner 2 against the issue. So, try practicing statements such as: “We’re on the same team;” “How would I talk to a colleague?” “This is a problem to solve, not a problem to win” and others like that. So, after the argument practice processing the argument after the argument.
EXAMPLES:
“How about I walk around the block and within 20 minutes, we can return to this. Is this okay with you?”
“I care about you and want this relationship. I want to talk to you about this in the right way. I’m really overwhelmed right now though, and I don’t want to say anything that I don’t really mean. Can we take a 20 minute pause and then come back so we can talk more calmly?”
BONUS: Additional Fair Fighting Rules You Can Add
Remember that Anger is normal.
Try to Negotiate.
Remember that Compromise is Key.
Don’t be afraid to take a break.
Schedule the Fight.
Stick to the Subject.
Don’t Comouflage.
Don’t be afraid to fight–it’s normal.
Know where the belt is… use it as a boundary.
Grant Equal Time to Talk.
Use Humor in the fight… not everything has to be serious.
Remember to Implement Changes after.
Don’t be afraid to Cry— the emotions found in crying can let off some steam.
“Touch” can be dialogue, it’s definitely a love language.
If you try these things and still find it difficult for you and your partner to engage well during difficult discussions, we are here to help. The therapists, here at California Couples Counseling, are trained to help guide you through structured, evidenced-based methods that will help you both feel seen and heard. If you and your partner feel further than ever after a difficult discussion, it’s time to give California Couples Counseling a shot– please call (415) 854-5904 today. Let’s find your relationship’s rules of engagement.
Resources:
Harris, Will (May 21, 2013). "Rules of Engagement – "100th"". The A.V. Club. Retrieved May 28, 2025.
P. Greeff, Tanya De Bruyne, A. (2000). “Conflict management style and marital satisfaction. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 26 (4), p. 321-334.
Schuldt, W. “Fair Fighting Rules.” Retrieved at: https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-article/fair-fighting-rules-article
About the Author:
Tammie Makely, LMFT
Tammie Makley, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist here at California Couples Counseling. Tammie’s areas of specialty include:
Relationship Issues
Sex Addiction
Trauma
Sexual Abuse
Co-Occurring Disorders
Codependency
Depression
Anxiety